Removing self-blame and the stories that YOU'RE the problem

Today's episode is all about breaking free from the habit of internalizing external events—whether it's a delayed email response or an off-kilter meeting... you're being invited to shift your inner talk from "what did I do wrong?" to "this is just something that happened." Understand that not everything is a reflection of you or your actions. Sometimes, things just occur, and it's not about assigning blame but about recognizing that external events are often beyond your control. Embrace the power of seeing situations as they are, without attaching personal fault. This perspective will help you navigate challenges with greater ease and clarity, allowing you to stay focused on what truly matters. Tune in to learn how to cultivate this liberating mindset and enhance your leadership with calm and confidence.

Chapters

• 0:00 Tempo: 120.0

Transcript

Speaker 1: 0:00

The success you achieve in your business, in your career, is all tied to your inner world. It is all rooted in your inner world, and then it's rooted in what you produce, what you take action on, your relationships, how you communicate. So in this episode we are going to talk about something so powerful that happens in your inner world. If you get this in check, or even at the minimum bring awareness to it, it is going to radically shift how you are operating in your day-to-day world. Stay tuned, it's going to be a good one.

Speaker 2: 0:52

You're tuning into the Confident, Connected Leader podcast, your premier destination for breaking through your current professional barriers. Your coach and host, Lisa Jeffs, will help you transcend limitations and achieve new levels of professional success beyond self-doubt, sabotage and burnout. Welcome to the show.

Speaker 1: 1:17

Welcome to the show leaders. Okay, so tell me if you've ever experienced this, when something happens with a conversation, or maybe you sent an email, you know you haven't gotten a response. You can see that the person has opened it. You know you sent a text message. It's on red no response. And immediately in your mind you go to what did I say? Was I too aggressive? Was I not friendly enough? Did I say something wrong? Maybe I said something stupid and you make it all about you. You internalize it and, in reality, you drive yourself crazy and you make yourself out to be the well perpetrator's not the right word but you make yourself out to be the bad guy or the bad girl, the bad person.

Speaker 1: 2:27

I'm going to invite you to make a radical shift in the way you operate. Now. This is often rooted in patterns that you know. When I work with my clients, we always do an audit right. The first thing we always do is go and look at the root of why things are happening, so we can tackle the root and, as a ripple effect, everything else gets affected positively. But in this episode, I'm going to invite you just to bring some awareness to this pattern if this is a pattern that you have and to make a shift in the way you react when this happens.

Speaker 1: 3:16

So let's say that you're having a meeting with someone and you notice in the meeting that the person is not that happy. Maybe they're, you know. Usually they're very bubbly and excited and today they're a little bit quiet or solemn. And your initial thought goes into oh my God, what did I do? Did I do something? And you start going in your mind and making a checklist of no, I don't think I did that. Did I say something yesterday? No, instead of doing that, instead of going inward and making it all about you as if you did something, I want you to go outward, right, literally set the intention that I am gonna see this as an external experience that's happening, not an internal one, and I'm just gonna shift that thought pattern in my mind from did I do something To oh, I noticed that this person is not as excuse me happy today. Okay, I notice that this person is not as excited, and that's it. And then you leave it. You don't even have to go into asking them what's wrong. It may not be appropriate to do that. It may not be the place. Now, if this is a good friend, or if this is your family member, you can definitely ask is something wrong? Is something bothering you? That's not the goal of this activity, or practice, or experiment we can call it. The goal is to stop internalizing every situation, because what this does is it undermines ability to show up as confident and self-assured as you could be when you're making it always about you, and this is a very common pattern.

Speaker 1: 5:16

It's a very common pattern around women, and if you're not a woman, you may still resonate with this. It can be a very common pattern around empaths or individuals that have grown up in a household where they always had to, where they felt like they had to manage everyone's emotions or everyone's feelings, or they felt that they were the caretaker. They took on that archetype, whether it was for self-preservation. I know in my household I've always been very sensitive to energies and emotions and I would often go into the what did I do? I did something wrong. It's me I'm the one to blame here that these people aren't happy, because if I was doing something appropriate, or if I was doing it better, or if I was showing up in a certain way, then they wouldn't be upset, they wouldn't be mad. I'm somehow not doing my job properly and this can be a very toxic pattern to go in. It's a very self-harming pattern and if you have it, that's okay. We're not going to judge it, but we're going to realize that that pattern is not serving the well-being of us.

Speaker 1: 6:46

We want to see things in a more surface level. Until we have more information, we just get curious and notice it. Until we have more information and we may not need to know that our coworker or a person on our team you know, had a fight with their partner and it's not as bubbly today, maybe we will know that, maybe they will share it. But we don't necessarily need to have all the information. But maybe we will get that information and it will be clarity for us and we'll say, oh, wasn't about me at all, they're stressed about this, they're stressed about that, wasn't about me at all. How many times have you gone through that and you got that reassurance that it wasn't about you and you had that relief and you're like, oh, it's not about me. But what if we didn't have to go on that roller coaster of emotions and have our nervous system flying off the rails all the time when someone is upset or doesn't respond in the way that they usually respond. What if we could just see things and get curious? Oh, I noticed that. Oh, this person hasn't messaged me back. Usually they message me back right away. They haven't messaged me back.

Speaker 1: 8:16

Oh, but I'm not going to make it about me, I'm not going to go create a story around it. You know, when I'm working with clients, a lot of the suffering comes from stories and a lot of the stories come from past experiences or past traumas. When we've had something happen to us and we've created that story, whether there is validity to it or not, we create and then we just keep reproducing it and that fear stays. Oh, I'm the bad person. I did something. What did I do wrong? What did I do wrong? Let's shift that and put it externally. So the first thought, if it goes on I did something wrong. I'm shifting that.

Speaker 1: 9:06

I want you to practice that, this, that I want you to practice that this week. I want you to practice to stand more in your power as a leader, as someone who is purpose-driven, who's here to give and impact the world, to share their gifts in whatever way, shape or fashion that is. I want you to start seeing things more as just an expression of what it is. I notice it, but I'm not making it about me. I'm aware of this, but I'm not making it about me until I have more information and then I can act accordingly. Such as if this person says I'm mad at you, then you can say oh okay, what did I do? And still, I don't want you to internalize it as I'm the bad person. I did something wrong. You can get curious, say, well, maybe I did something that I could do better next time, but I'm not going to make myself wrong because I'm not here to be a perfect human being. I'm here to learn and grow. Okay, we're kind of getting off track now. So that's what I want you to practice externalizing it, not internalizing.

Speaker 1: 10:25

It's going to help you stay more clear and at peace throughout the day. It is 1000% going to help your relationships. It's like a roller coaster. You can go on right and it's. You know we're talking about self-blame at the moment, but that self-blame ripples into all different areas, such as resentment and all these other things. It's going to increase resilience and it's an empowerment. When you can let go of self-blame, it empowers you to take more control and ownership over how you're feeling. You no longer are the victim of all these things that happen in our life, such as someone not texting back or someone looking a little upset, not as showing up. In the same way, I've had relationships in the past where if I wasn't happy or if I wasn't laughing or the person wouldn't like it, and then I would feel like, oh, I did something wrong. I'm not as happy today, I'm not as laughing, and it creates all these internal battles within us and it really steals away our confidence and our self-esteem. So I want you to practice that and if you want to go deeper, if you know that, you know what this is an issue in my life and it is having a ripple effect. It is creating a discord in my professional and personal relationships.

Speaker 1: 12:22

Book a breakthrough call and let's have a discussion. If coaching is your next best step, the breakthrough calls are complimentary and if you show up fully on that breakthrough call and you engage with the questions, regardless whether you decide or we decide that it is a positive next step for you to engage with coaching, you're going to get a breakthrough. Okay, I can't stress this enough. A lot of people have a fear of. I'm not sure. I don't know what the fear is so much with the breakthrough calls, whether it is a fear of not being ready or feeling pressured or whatnot. I can promise you that the way that I craft my breakthrough calls promises a breakthrough for you. And this is simply a conversation. There's no pressure here.

Speaker 1: 13:25

I love doing them because, for one doing these breakthrough calls, it always gives me data right. So, regardless whether it's a fit to work with someone or not, I get information and that's helpful for me. So that's why I engage in these and I enjoy them so much. I get information. I also love talking to people and supporting people, and if it is a great fit and we decide, okay, this is a good, it's wonderful. I love the experience because I know that I get to provide insane amount of value and transformation, and this is why I do what I do. So that will be in the show notes if you'd like to book a breakthrough call. If not, if you're not ready, then I want you to practice this.

Speaker 1: 14:16

Okay. And we're not internalizing, we're externalizing. We're just getting curious, we're just noticing. That's it. We're not making a story around it, we're just noticing oh, he hasn't texted me back in a couple of days Wonder what's going on, but it's not about me and I'm not going down that rabbit hole. I'm gonna let it be okay.

Speaker 1: 14:36

Thank you so much for being here. As always, I'm so honored. If you're still listening. I hope this was supportive of you. If you would like to leave a question, there is now an option to send me a text message and ask a question. If that question is relevant, I think it's gonna be a great podcast episode. I will answer that question on a podcast episode. You can do that by going to the link. It depends where you're listening to this, because you may be listening in this in different places, but if you go to the link that is in my Instagram bio, you will get to the. You will get to the official podcast page and on that official podcast website page, you'll see the option to send me a text message. Okay, and I love getting them. Thank you so much for being here.

Speaker 2: 15:52

And, as always, let's stay connected. Thank you for tuning into the Confident Connected Leader podcast. As always, let leave a review To stay updated with practical tips and insights. Follow us on LinkedIn, Instagram or Facebook. You'll find all relevant links, including those for our complimentary gifts and trainings, in the show notes. Until our next episode, embrace your confidence and stay connected.